so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Someone shattered a urinal.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
