Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
