I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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