I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
