Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Please, let me fuck your mom
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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