Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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