life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They took my balls.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
