i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
