If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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