i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table