if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.