The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls