right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
