yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
