New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
