i just wanna soil my oats bro
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
