Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
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Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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