My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
