I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
