There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
