I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
