Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
