If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Two words: blizzard sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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