Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
