Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
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apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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