Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
