I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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