I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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