I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
