Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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