Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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