cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
operation harelip BJ is a go
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Good thing I've started drinking again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.