can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.