I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.