i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.