so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.