last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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