i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
