maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
