Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
