I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
