my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
