We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
