She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
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is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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