so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
