Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
