If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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