You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
