Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
