i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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