Are we in a gay sports bar?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
