I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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