Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
