I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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