Rock
Scissors
Fuck
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
