Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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