"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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