Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
