I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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