The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
