She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
