Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
