well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
