even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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