I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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