If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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