i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
